Emotional Cutoff: Self-Evaluation

So, as a Social Worker I am bound by a strong code of ethics and values, as any awesome professional should be naturally. In reviewing my organizationally mandated Standards of Service, Social Justice, Dignity and Worth of Person, Importance of Human Relationships, Integrity, and Competence, it dawned on me that I have my own set of issues that I so greatly would like to resolve. This is not the first time I have come to this conclusion. While matriculating through UT’s college of Social Work program one of my wonderful professors or instructors (because they could have simply been an adjunct, I can’t remember) enlightened the class with the notion that what we so greatly give emotionally to others is exactly what we are in need of and seek for ourselves.
For instance, it brings me so much great joy and sense of fulfillment and worthiness to help people reach their next level. I LOVE being able to connect people or provide free assistance to get people to whatever it is they consider their dream goal, meaning, or mission in life. I love helping people find jobs. That is the ultimate pleasure, especially if that job leads to an even better job and steps toward the prize plateau. I enjoy connecting people to get a job done or get connections to get their foot in the door. This is what I so greatly enjoy. It truly fills my heart.
Hence part of my discovery on why I like doing this is because I enjoy making people happy. I enjoy seeing others succeed and fulfill a dream. The other part has to do with me wanting the same thing. I have never had a mentor, guidance, direction, someone to talk to and give me advice. I have longed for this connection all my life. It seems no one knows the answer, has time, or is willing to help. Everybody wants their own questions answered. They’re not interested in seeing what’s really going on in my world. They would rather maintain their self-derived conclusions of me or simply they are not interested or in large part self-absorbed.
Therefore I have unconscientiously taken it upon myself to be that one person who wants to have all the answers and be the go-to-person for straight forward advice, connections, directions, and a hand up even if it means stepping on my shoulders.
There is a deeper more pressing issue here dealing with the concept of emotionally cutting yourself off from what affects you negatively causing damage to impending relationships and stagnating possibilities of future relationships, socialization, and career growth; based on Murray Bowen’s theory of how the make-up, interaction, and connection within family systems affect an individual’s ability to socialize, communicate, and deal with life situations.
I do have a great sob story and am aware of what needs to be done to remedy this situation and possibly open more doors for me. However, I’m not really ready to deal with them right now simply because the last time I tried to deal with them the receiving party took the conversation completely out of context and hasn’t proved to be a great listener in any aspect thus cultivating my self-medication of total disconnection from any facet of care, concern, or emotional involvement i.e. my nonchalant attitude, wall of protection around my heart and feelings, and the apt ability to self-destruct when someone gets too close. I am present, I visit, I’m involved, but I have chosen to shut down that area of my life as if it didn’t matter. Until I read Bowen’s Theory regarding “Emotional Cutoff” I had no idea that’s what I had done and how this severely affects my entire life in every aspect.
Based on Bowen’s concept, “People reduce the tensions of family interaction by cutting off, but risk making their new relationships too important.” So in summation, my relationships: boyfriends, friend girls, social acquaintances, work interactions, etc all fail simply because I expect too much from them - have made them too important – because I cut myself off emotionally from my family and have never voiced my disappointment, feelings, dilemmas, etc. I basically live with the questions, defeat, ignorance, confusion, and pain because dealing with the core issue would open wounds or cause wounds that were never there because no one knew how I felt.
Knowing what I know now about why I am the way I am opens a door and gives me a way out but at the cost, in my opinion, of upsetting those involved. I’d rather just keep it to myself. Better to self-medicate and cover up than ruffle feathers. Maybe I’ll open up one day and lift this heavy burden but not today. Why burden someone else when you can just redirect that energy into helping people? Someone will come along one day to rescue me. Maybe it’ll be me.