A Black Man's Smile

There’s nothing like a black man’s smile.
His love is so powerful, so enduring, so captivating,
So humble, so loving, longing, waiting, wanting,
For your love to grab him and take control.
Embrace his face, his smile, his love, hopes,
Wishes, dreams, desires.
I love my black man’s smile.

inspired by JC's smile

NO THANK YOU!

So he's probably calling because he's horny. It's been about a month so his hormones are growing weak. It's too late. I'm not giving him another chance. I'm not responding to text messages or phone calls. It's always the same song and no revelation. I miss him and I love him and I'm in-love with him, but i'm not going to continue to subject myself to someone who does not feel the same way about me.

What was I thinking dating a guy who thinks it's okay to have babies all throughout Tennessee. He's not selective in who he has a baby with and thinks it's no big deal to have a different mother for every child. Why should I feel special about the possibility of having his child. It wouldn't mean anything to him except another child support payment which he seems to not mind at all.

I'm looking forward to attracting a good man that wants to truly be with me, get to know me, and grow with me. Yes it's all about me and I have no shame about it. I am not ashamed about what I want and don't want. I believe I deserve to be admired and truly loved so if I can't get that then I'm not wasting my time. I'm a very loving individual and I give 100% of myself to building a relationship why shouldn't I expect the same thing in return?

Stupid Pet Tricks!

I miss my baby. He acts so much like a child it's ridiculous. He throws temper tantrums when I don't call or respond to every message. If he is the last one to call or text and I don't say anything back he wont speak to me until I say something to him. He thinks we should keep track and take turns responding. He is so stupid. I'm crazy about him and for some reason I feel this is the best I can do as far as a long term relationship with someone I truly want to be with but I'm really ready to call it quits.

I shouldn't feel so frustrated and have to deal with such idiocy in a relationship. I'm better off just being by myself and wishing I had someone to be with. Like the the one before I just have to cut my ties, close my heart, and let it go. Just because I love him doesn't mean we should be together. I've given him way too many chances. He's just stupid and childish. Besides that he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married so what's the point of hanging on anyway if we don't want the same thing.

Lawd! Lawd! Lawd! Yhy are you playing with me?! As I'm typing this fool just text me! I'm so freakin confused. Here's his smart-ass text "Jus sayin gdmornin" This fool ain't said shit to me all beautiful weekend. Who the fuck he been with all weekend? I've had dilemmas to deal with all weekend. I needed someone to vent and talk to. I thought that's what boyfriends are for and he's no where to be found. Not there when I need him.

What should I do? Should I jump and respond? Should I wait and respond later today? Should I even respond and all and go ahead with my decision to completely drop his ass for good?

It's 8am. I think I'll pass on the responding. Cuz if that's all his dumb ass has to say is good freakin morning after not speaking to me all damn weekend for some childish-ass reason then fuck him.

He has 4 children by 4 different women

He has 4 children by 4 different women. And I'm looking to be number 5! Why???? I have no idea. Blame it on the laws of stupid attraction. Women are destined to be go-getters and for all the wrong reasons when it comes to men.

I'm stupidly attracted to this beautiful dark chocolate man who oozes so much sex appeal to me. All I have to see is the crook of his smile. No joke! I truly understand what Jill Scott meant in your provative man songs now and the sceen on Tyler perry's Why Did I Ge Married when the camera slowly glides over Troy's mouth mmm mmm mmm! That is so how I feel about this man.

When I wake up in the morning sometime all I see is his smile...visions of his smile in my head. Unfortunately he doesn't spend the night every night. Only once or twice a month.

One morning I woke up and I smiled so hard. It was unbelieveable. That's when I realized I had to love this guy. Why else would I wake up feeling all warm and wonderful just from seeing a vision of his smile and nothing else.

I had to text him that morning and tell him "I'm happy with you. Thoughts of you make me smile." Honey (smh) That man is nice.

The crazy part is, he hasn't done anything special for me. Nothing fancy, we havent even gone out on a date. Well not what we call a typical date. No movies, no dinner, no outing, etc. However I have rode with him to pick up and his son, whom he let me meet for the 1st time. I have also met his family whom he invited me to during a cookout celebration 2 hours away. So, I don't think I should really be complaining. I have been introduced to the family and one of the 4 children. That's suppose to carry a lot of weight...right.

Here I am feigning at work all day long just for an eye spy of this man. I like to look at him. His lips make me want to kiss him all the time. His cheekbones make me smile. His skin complexion makes me melt and his build makes me horny (yeah, u knew that was coming lol).

Another dissociative aspect of him is his strong passion for hood ghetto music and movies. lol! Nothing else will do. He loves it to the core of his being. He does not want to know anything else. He is familiar with regular r&b and what not but there's nothing more meaningful to him than stupid gangsta/ghetto rap and lame hood movies. hahahaha

We must take the good with the bad. Besides, who am I to stand in judgement? A 33 year old virgin with no children, no prospects, and no desire for the like until recently. I'm content but desiring of a worthwhile relationship. Relationships in the past have only been testing grounds for what I do and dont' want. this man is everything I do and don't want and I like it :-)

Things can get a little lonely trying to love a thug, ex-thug, semi-thug, cleaned-up corporate thug. The price we pay with our hearts to have what the flesh wants and the heart thinks it desires and the mind doing nothing about it.

Family Night

Tonight is Family Night at my church. We have 2 locations and 4 church services. Family Night is where all locations and services come together to fellowship, take communion, baby dedications and we have baptisms. I am my only family here so it's not as heartfelt warming to me but I go anyway because its part of my worship experience.

This month's family night service has an added special touch because March is Singles Month. The Singles Ministry is in charge of creating events and networking opportunites for the singles in the church. This sunday singles are asked to wear purple and black to family night service and a socail networking meeting will be held after service. This should be interested.

This is the 1st time they have tried something like this and I am really intrigued by the creativeness of this years singles ministry.

Lovin is Hard

So, I'm chillin at the house all day long watching episode after episode of "The Game". It's hypnotic. I truly did not mean to waste my entire free day plopped down in the lazy boy 4 hours a day. If I can remember when I started watching the 1st show. And there were no commercials from one show to the next so there was no time to get distracted and move on to something else. I was hooked literally all day long from A.M. to 6pm when 106 & park came on. Then of course it was easy to let go. I was so into it because I have not seen the game in years so I am so lost on all the episodes. The last show I saw was when Kelly moved out and divorced Jason. I have no idea how that all ended or what day the regular shows come on.
I'm hoping BET doesn't mess up the chemistry.
So, the reason why I'm blogging is because one of the episodes was about Tasha and her breaking up with Coach Kenny. It was all about her attitude and "black girl sass". She mentioned that 47% of African American women do not get married after 30. That was a sad statistic and I'm not really feeling that it has anything to do with "black girl sass". However it has me thinking more about the idea of getting married.

For the longest I haven't really felt the urge to get married or even have a boyfriend. Nothing more than a "hang out" guy with perks. I did say perks not benefits. I think I've had enough of the sex routine. I can have sex any given day of the week. That's a lost cause for me. Not a really big "need" per se. I don't know if I'm really ready for a full blooded relationship. Every relationship I'm in I seem to loose myself and stop focusing on what it is I need to do. No on can get ahead at that rate. I'll always be needy and whiny because I think I'm not getting enough attention. The problem is I should give myself that attention and stop relying on someone else to fill that void. So what I've never been close with my parents or siblings. That shouldn't be the end of to the possibilities of me having a decent worthwhile healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

Love is hard and I seem to keep fighting it and running away from the possibility of meeting Mr. Right. I'm so sure I can stop all hurt from coming my way if I put brick wall between me and the rest of the universe. So what if that only pushes people away. At least then I want be hurt and everyone will be a okay.

Hmmm, that sounds like a pretty lonely place to be for the rest of my life. Yeah, but I'm semi-cool for right now. I'm not really feeling a relationship. It's always the wrong guys that approach me instead of someone I was really interested in and desired. How do I attract and keep those guys? That's where the dilemma lies.

So what would I be interested in? Let's imagine my dream guy. At least 5'7", of course cute. No lighter than me, college graduate at the least, out going. I have to have outgoing because I'm not so he has to be the life of the party. Humor is a must. Loving, gentle, kind, considerate. All the things listed in the bible that describes what true love is and is not. Confident but not cocky, nice dresser but not obsessed, giving, nurturing but not a push over. I don't want him being a yes man and volunteering for everything and everybody. I need him to myself 95% of the time :-) Smart, peaceful, romantic. Yes, romantic. I have never listed that before in my things I want in a mind. After dating my ex and a few other guys in the past, I have come to realize that's what was missing, among other things but especially the romance.

Maybe I haven't been the romancing type. Guys romance the ones that really want to spend time with and care about. humph.

There are tons of other things I could ask for and desire but this blog is pretty long enough so I guess I'll end it there. It was kinda nice and warm to think about what I want in a guy. Maybe I'll dream about it tonight and it will come true.

This is love