Calling it quits

And so I have had a moment to calm down. Let it be said that I am a very flexible, compromising, and empathetic woman.  Maybe I was being a little too emotional...I think not.  However, in this case I will curb my appetite for reasonableness and ride the tides until the lease expires and I move on to a better place. I'm not moving this year although I would love to just so I can bid heartache ado.  I really need to just put my foot down and call an audible. LOL Did I use that terminology right?

Party of One

I’m addicted to the internet. I’m addicted to facebook, twitter, and just browsing the internet drowning my nothings into cyberspace. I’m only typing this as a way to refrain from surfing the net while on the clock. I’m taking a vow to stay away from my phone a full 7.5 hours until quitting time today.  I will not log onto facebook a gazillion times just to see who’s doing what or hoping someone interesting tagged me or mentioned me in a post or said something on my status update.  I’m not really even updating any more. I’m only posting or reposting photos, news stories, or information about what’s going on in the world that interest me. I also must post my run activities, if only to keep myself motivated. 

So the dilemma today is of course my boyfriend.  This is by far the most trying and taxing relationship I have ever been in and the longest.  I am so overdue for an overhaul. Here’s the deal, I tried holding off on all emotional sensitivity including comments, feelings, reactions, hopes, dreams, wishes, and desires.  That has indeed helped the relationship. Once you take your feelings off your sleeves and away from your heart you can deal with just about anybody.  You have to have an attitude of complacency to deal with the type of guy I have, a weed head who wants nothing more than a few bucks to buy weed, beer, spot his kids a couple of dollars and call it a day.

I’m so not feeling this new way of disconnection.  It is less stressful.  My feelings are less hurt. I’m less disappointed. And the home is a happier place. I feel more drawn to the relationship if I keep my emotions out of it.  However because I want more substance than a few smacks on the butt and a couple of good deeds here and there I’m not entirely happy. I’m looking at enjoying a life of misery, disappointment, dissatisfaction, and in essence loneliness. Loneliness while in the midst of a relationship. Hump! That’s an oxymoron. I surely didn’t see myself in this situation a year ago.  All I wanted was someone to help pay the rent. Should have been patient and followed the rules. Waited on God, locked myself in the house only to resurface for church and work. That would have saved me a couple of bucks. I could have saved on gas, food, going out, etc.  Cut out the gym, trainer, running, book club, hair appointments, community service, etc and I would have been fine. It’s not like I have hang out buddies any way.

Instead I disobeyed and invited dead weight into my life. Now I’m not only struggling to pay my way but I’m dragging discontent and stagnation around with me. 

Wonder what He’s thinking

Haven’t talked to God in a long time, wonder what he’s thinking of me.  Wonder does he miss me or has he noticed me just meandering along in life doing nothing spectacular working towards nothing in particular.  Wonder does he care or if I’m doing as I should be anyway. Wonder if he has a purpose for me anymore, one more specific than just being and being lost.  Wonder if he stopped trying with me when I gave up and moved my roommate in. Wonder was he really upset with that, expected it, or thought nothing of it at all. Wonder what he’s thinking of me now. Wonder what he has planned for me or am I just to exist for the sake of existing for others. For others to have a step ladder, a leg up, a handle on the situation, a mediocre side piece.

It’s not like I haven’t tried, haven’t thought about talking to Him.  I just really don’t know what to say. I’m tired of asking for the same thing. I’m tired of saying the same thing. I’m tired with all the accolades and no response. I’m just tired of tired.

This doesn't mean I don’t have faith. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe. It doesn’t mean I’m a blockhead.  It just means I’m empty, confused, indifferent, lost. How do it be that I’m here going about my daily life with no real aim or purpose but I keep pushing without knowing what?