Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Last Snow Day Ramblings

Interesting. Very interesting.
I've been trapped in the house for at least 2 days. Today is day 3 and it seems I could really get out if need be but I'm kind of comfortable. However, I do need to run an errand for Monday's all waited "smoothie day". 

I just signed up for a virtual race because I love the shirt. www.runwithjess.com has nice contest and races.  Her Valentine's proceeds benefit St. Jude. Admirable. I should set up a virtual race for YHOA. Seems easy. I'll look into it. Maybe set something up for September which is suicide awareness month. 

My first race for the year is coming up February 13. The Hot Chocolate race. I'll just use it for Jess' race credit as well. Perfect timing. 

My long runs for this year thus far are The RNR Nashville in April and the RNR Savannah in November. Savannah will be my first full marathon! EEEEK! Pretty ballsy of me! My goal is to lose 20 lbs by then and decrease my half time to 2:30. 

I haven't heard from Chris all day. Not sure what's going on with him. Not going to speculate. Just going to wait it out and keep myself busy. 

Started reading this book I obtained from a Kwanzaa event in Nashville this year. Job Instruction For Survival and Serendipity by C. BeAird-Gaines Its a quick pros and cons read. One page gives a negative case scenario you may be dealing with at work. The next page gives a positive spin on looking at the situation. And the third page gives you survival and serendipitous truth. Eye-opening, encouraging, and gut- checking read. I like it. Can't wait to finish it and pass it on. Wonder would my little girl appreciate such a gift? Not quit sure she's ready. Maybe a few years from now when she's done playing run and go get it with the kids. 

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Two Can Play At That Game


Have you ever dated someone and thought, “Now why the heck am I with him?”  I’ve done this a million times and still haven’t figured out why I do what I do. Why do I allow myself to date these guys I’m really really not even interested in?  Is it for companionship because I have no friends to hang out with? Yes.  Is it for financial gain so I don’t have to pay for every single thing I want myself? Yes. LOL Well there you have it.  You’re a selfish prick LOL!  And that shit aint even funny. 

There’s a blues song out that says, “You’re no good. You’re no good. You’re no good.”  I think this should be my anthem.  Not really because I’m not good but because I’m so not feeling whatever he talking about so I just move on to the next one. Twenty plus years later I should not still be singing this same ol tune but I am. Good-bye dead weight. Hello peace and happiness…and loneliness. 

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I TOLD YOU SO

Had a very blessed week. Even met someone new. Those positive words of self-encouragement actually work. I even woke up one morning feeling so loved and embraced by God. I woke up with a smile on my face feeling loved and loving my daddy!. It's like He kissed me with his sunshine and hugged me 1st thing in the A.M. I woke out of my peaceful restful sleep smiling saying My Daddy Loves Me! WOW! It was a miraculous feeling of euphoria. I pray for that type of awakening every morning.

I've been reading my word more and not just on Sunday when the pastor says turn to chapter xyz. I've been working hard to make it to Sunday School, which has been a tremendous blessing. I'm trying my hardest to smile more even when I think no one's looking, especially when I think no one is looking.

Today is going to be another awesome day not just because it's bright and sunny but because I have a full schedule and I intend on enjoying every minute of it.

Friday, January 22, 2010

A Black Man's Smile

There’s nothing like a black man’s smile.
His love is so powerful, so enduring, so captivating,
So humble, so loving, longing, waiting, wanting,
For your love to grab him and take control.
Embrace his face, his smile, his love, hopes,
Wishes, dreams, desires.
I love my black man’s smile.

inspired by JC's smile

Monday, August 17, 2009

FIST FULL OF TEARS

Sometimes the thing you want the most is not the best thing for you. Let that thing go. Cry about it. Blog about it. Pray about it. Move on. What's not good for you will not work out for you. God orders your steps. You disorder your steps. Only God can lead the dance. Everyone else misses the beats.

Spare yourself the time and energy. Do it right the first time around. Right isn't always easy to do, but its worth it.

Don't cry over spilled milk. It's spilt for a reason.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

NO THANK YOU!

So he's probably calling because he's horny. It's been about a month so his hormones are growing weak. It's too late. I'm not giving him another chance. I'm not responding to text messages or phone calls. It's always the same song and no revelation. I miss him and I love him and I'm in-love with him, but i'm not going to continue to subject myself to someone who does not feel the same way about me.

What was I thinking dating a guy who thinks it's okay to have babies all throughout Tennessee. He's not selective in who he has a baby with and thinks it's no big deal to have a different mother for every child. Why should I feel special about the possibility of having his child. It wouldn't mean anything to him except another child support payment which he seems to not mind at all.

I'm looking forward to attracting a good man that wants to truly be with me, get to know me, and grow with me. Yes it's all about me and I have no shame about it. I am not ashamed about what I want and don't want. I believe I deserve to be admired and truly loved so if I can't get that then I'm not wasting my time. I'm a very loving individual and I give 100% of myself to building a relationship why shouldn't I expect the same thing in return?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Stupid Pet Tricks!

I miss my baby. He acts so much like a child it's ridiculous. He throws temper tantrums when I don't call or respond to every message. If he is the last one to call or text and I don't say anything back he wont speak to me until I say something to him. He thinks we should keep track and take turns responding. He is so stupid. I'm crazy about him and for some reason I feel this is the best I can do as far as a long term relationship with someone I truly want to be with but I'm really ready to call it quits.

I shouldn't feel so frustrated and have to deal with such idiocy in a relationship. I'm better off just being by myself and wishing I had someone to be with. Like the the one before I just have to cut my ties, close my heart, and let it go. Just because I love him doesn't mean we should be together. I've given him way too many chances. He's just stupid and childish. Besides that he's made it clear that he doesn't want to get married so what's the point of hanging on anyway if we don't want the same thing.

Lawd! Lawd! Lawd! Yhy are you playing with me?! As I'm typing this fool just text me! I'm so freakin confused. Here's his smart-ass text "Jus sayin gdmornin" This fool ain't said shit to me all beautiful weekend. Who the fuck he been with all weekend? I've had dilemmas to deal with all weekend. I needed someone to vent and talk to. I thought that's what boyfriends are for and he's no where to be found. Not there when I need him.

What should I do? Should I jump and respond? Should I wait and respond later today? Should I even respond and all and go ahead with my decision to completely drop his ass for good?

It's 8am. I think I'll pass on the responding. Cuz if that's all his dumb ass has to say is good freakin morning after not speaking to me all damn weekend for some childish-ass reason then fuck him.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Tidbits from Bible Study

A relationship with God requires covenant, communion, and commitment.

Just because other people failed you does not mean God will.

Variances of Grace
Saving Grace - another chance to carry out his word
Sustaining Grace - strength to keep going

Invest in whatever my ministry is whether it be family, career, relationship, etc.

What grieves God the most is that you consider a thing finished/over/failed in the presence of God. It grieves God that you give up when he's in the midst with you.

How to make your personal relationships work:
1. Appreciate the difference
2. Don't compare
3. Honor one another
4. Be loyal - remain friends
5. Cherish intimacy
6. Be spiritually attentive
7. Make happy memories

Monday, April 13, 2009

He has 4 children by 4 different women

He has 4 children by 4 different women. And I'm looking to be number 5! Why???? I have no idea. Blame it on the laws of stupid attraction. Women are destined to be go-getters and for all the wrong reasons when it comes to men.

I'm stupidly attracted to this beautiful dark chocolate man who oozes so much sex appeal to me. All I have to see is the crook of his smile. No joke! I truly understand what Jill Scott meant in your provative man songs now and the sceen on Tyler perry's Why Did I Ge Married when the camera slowly glides over Troy's mouth mmm mmm mmm! That is so how I feel about this man.

When I wake up in the morning sometime all I see is his smile...visions of his smile in my head. Unfortunately he doesn't spend the night every night. Only once or twice a month.

One morning I woke up and I smiled so hard. It was unbelieveable. That's when I realized I had to love this guy. Why else would I wake up feeling all warm and wonderful just from seeing a vision of his smile and nothing else.

I had to text him that morning and tell him "I'm happy with you. Thoughts of you make me smile." Honey (smh) That man is nice.

The crazy part is, he hasn't done anything special for me. Nothing fancy, we havent even gone out on a date. Well not what we call a typical date. No movies, no dinner, no outing, etc. However I have rode with him to pick up and his son, whom he let me meet for the 1st time. I have also met his family whom he invited me to during a cookout celebration 2 hours away. So, I don't think I should really be complaining. I have been introduced to the family and one of the 4 children. That's suppose to carry a lot of weight...right.

Here I am feigning at work all day long just for an eye spy of this man. I like to look at him. His lips make me want to kiss him all the time. His cheekbones make me smile. His skin complexion makes me melt and his build makes me horny (yeah, u knew that was coming lol).

Another dissociative aspect of him is his strong passion for hood ghetto music and movies. lol! Nothing else will do. He loves it to the core of his being. He does not want to know anything else. He is familiar with regular r&b and what not but there's nothing more meaningful to him than stupid gangsta/ghetto rap and lame hood movies. hahahaha

We must take the good with the bad. Besides, who am I to stand in judgement? A 33 year old virgin with no children, no prospects, and no desire for the like until recently. I'm content but desiring of a worthwhile relationship. Relationships in the past have only been testing grounds for what I do and dont' want. this man is everything I do and don't want and I like it :-)

Things can get a little lonely trying to love a thug, ex-thug, semi-thug, cleaned-up corporate thug. The price we pay with our hearts to have what the flesh wants and the heart thinks it desires and the mind doing nothing about it.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Do it like this girl Not that!

So, here's another clean-up item from my inbox. My preacher had a tell all session about what men are looking for and what women can do to get them and how we turn them off. Because I don't want to forget anything I decided to post them here. I think I have most of them down pat. It's the self-esteem issue that keeps me single. That I am well aware of and trying to work on everyday. Its hard. There are many years of torcher and pain to shift through. Hopefully I'll get over it one day. Until then..


What Men Want
1. Men want compliments ( they need affirmation)
2. Men want women to not let themselves go (What you did to get him, you need to continue to keep him) Never get TOO comfortable with your man.
3. Men want you to have a life ( he doesn’t want you under him ALL the time)
4. Men don’t want you to be a doormat
5. He REALLY doesn’t want to know all of your past ( Pro. 6: 32 )
6. I Love You is not just in words. Men are not verbal people, they show with their actions)
7. Nothing wrong sometimes mean Nothing is Really Wrong
8. All Black Shoes look the same
9. How was your day?Is a simple question with a simple answer.
10. Men want women to start initiating Sex.

What Annoy Men
1. Freebies ( men paying for EVERYTHANG) some women only call men for free meals and movies

2. Tired of Whining
3. Backstabbing, Messy or Criticizing other women ( especially Christian Sisters)
4. Pigeoning ( bringing your girls everywhere ** and making him pay for every body **)
5. Abusing Generosity ( only call him when you need a favor )
6. Interruption of great sports moments or events (March Madness, Superbowl, etc.)
7. Playing Hard to Get
8. Using Sex as a Weapon
9. Blaming All Men ( for past relationships issues)
10. Closing the Deal too soon ( moving too fast)

3 Misc. S’s

1. Self Esteem – men can pick up on a woman’s self esteem. A man with ill intentions will prey on a woman with low self esteem because she is seeking him to affirm what others (male figures * dad* in her life) did not. Hence how women can get caught up in abusive relationships (verbal, emotional, physical, psychological, etc.). A woman must know her own self value and self worth before trying to love some one else.

2. Sex – men want women to do more that missionary position. They want women to be more adventurous (try new things) and desirable in the bedroom. They also want women to try oral sex. A conversation need to be held before marriage about what both desire sexually to for compatibility. The bedroom for husband and wife is undefiled, but use wisdom on where to cross the line.

3. Sister’s Keeper – Be your sister’s keeper. Hold her accountable ( she holds you accountable also). Women need to lift each other up and respect the God given gifts and talents in each other. Women don’t need to be envious f other women, what God has for you, it is for you and no one else.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Family Night

Tonight is Family Night at my church. We have 2 locations and 4 church services. Family Night is where all locations and services come together to fellowship, take communion, baby dedications and we have baptisms. I am my only family here so it's not as heartfelt warming to me but I go anyway because its part of my worship experience.

This month's family night service has an added special touch because March is Singles Month. The Singles Ministry is in charge of creating events and networking opportunites for the singles in the church. This sunday singles are asked to wear purple and black to family night service and a socail networking meeting will be held after service. This should be interested.

This is the 1st time they have tried something like this and I am really intrigued by the creativeness of this years singles ministry.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Lovin is Hard

So, I'm chillin at the house all day long watching episode after episode of "The Game". It's hypnotic. I truly did not mean to waste my entire free day plopped down in the lazy boy 4 hours a day. If I can remember when I started watching the 1st show. And there were no commercials from one show to the next so there was no time to get distracted and move on to something else. I was hooked literally all day long from A.M. to 6pm when 106 & park came on. Then of course it was easy to let go. I was so into it because I have not seen the game in years so I am so lost on all the episodes. The last show I saw was when Kelly moved out and divorced Jason. I have no idea how that all ended or what day the regular shows come on.
I'm hoping BET doesn't mess up the chemistry.
So, the reason why I'm blogging is because one of the episodes was about Tasha and her breaking up with Coach Kenny. It was all about her attitude and "black girl sass". She mentioned that 47% of African American women do not get married after 30. That was a sad statistic and I'm not really feeling that it has anything to do with "black girl sass". However it has me thinking more about the idea of getting married.

For the longest I haven't really felt the urge to get married or even have a boyfriend. Nothing more than a "hang out" guy with perks. I did say perks not benefits. I think I've had enough of the sex routine. I can have sex any given day of the week. That's a lost cause for me. Not a really big "need" per se. I don't know if I'm really ready for a full blooded relationship. Every relationship I'm in I seem to loose myself and stop focusing on what it is I need to do. No on can get ahead at that rate. I'll always be needy and whiny because I think I'm not getting enough attention. The problem is I should give myself that attention and stop relying on someone else to fill that void. So what I've never been close with my parents or siblings. That shouldn't be the end of to the possibilities of me having a decent worthwhile healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

Love is hard and I seem to keep fighting it and running away from the possibility of meeting Mr. Right. I'm so sure I can stop all hurt from coming my way if I put brick wall between me and the rest of the universe. So what if that only pushes people away. At least then I want be hurt and everyone will be a okay.

Hmmm, that sounds like a pretty lonely place to be for the rest of my life. Yeah, but I'm semi-cool for right now. I'm not really feeling a relationship. It's always the wrong guys that approach me instead of someone I was really interested in and desired. How do I attract and keep those guys? That's where the dilemma lies.

So what would I be interested in? Let's imagine my dream guy. At least 5'7", of course cute. No lighter than me, college graduate at the least, out going. I have to have outgoing because I'm not so he has to be the life of the party. Humor is a must. Loving, gentle, kind, considerate. All the things listed in the bible that describes what true love is and is not. Confident but not cocky, nice dresser but not obsessed, giving, nurturing but not a push over. I don't want him being a yes man and volunteering for everything and everybody. I need him to myself 95% of the time :-) Smart, peaceful, romantic. Yes, romantic. I have never listed that before in my things I want in a mind. After dating my ex and a few other guys in the past, I have come to realize that's what was missing, among other things but especially the romance.

Maybe I haven't been the romancing type. Guys romance the ones that really want to spend time with and care about. humph.

There are tons of other things I could ask for and desire but this blog is pretty long enough so I guess I'll end it there. It was kinda nice and warm to think about what I want in a guy. Maybe I'll dream about it tonight and it will come true.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Marriage...DONT DO IT GIRL! unless he's heaven sent

Words from Pastor Jamal Harrison-Bryant:
I often warn women who are contemplating marriage to marry someone who can take care of them. When a woman marries, it ought to be to someone who is capable of taking her to the next level. If she comes from poverty, there is no reason for her to get married and still be impoverished. The role of the man is to take her to another place.
When she gets married, she ought to dress better, drive better, live better, and eat better, not constantly be in a struggle over where her next meal is coming from. My grandmother used to say, 'I can do bad all by myself.

For a woman desiring a mate, the objective, of course, would be to find a Christian man, who's settled, has goals, accomplishments and a job. But a goal-oriented and focused man can't just be approached any kind of way.

So the woman who seeks this type of stability must make sure that he stands out above the crowd:
  • Make sure your relationship with the Lord is strong and growing.
  • Make sure that you are presentable. Working from the inside out, your presentation should be representative of both who you are and whom you seek. Appearance is a reflection of how you see yourself.
  • Have the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.
  • And most importantly, allow the Holy Ghost to take control. You don't need to go after him. He's going to come after you, because after he sees and smells you and knows that you're in his presence, he's going to want to know who you are!

I know there's somebody reading this who has been chasing after the 'man of your dreams,' but God says, 'Just sit still and allow patience to have her perfect work through Me. '

Furthermore, it's never a good idea to be too forward and too aggressive. Attempting to win a man's affection by jumping into bed with him will only backfire and cause him to lose interest in ever developing a lasting relationship. It causes him to lose respect for you and question your character.

However, if he sees that you are dressed with quality, that you smell like you are somebody, that you look like you're doing fine without him, then that will attract the right attention from him. He'll have no choice but to give you his attention. Stop looking so needy, climbing into bed, trying in vain to capture a man's heart.God woke me up in the middle of the night and said, 'The same thing that Naomi told Ruth to do is the same thing that I want them to do for me.'

God is so sick of saints coming to Him trying to get a quickie and never romancing Him for Who he is - going to church screaming, shouting and hollering, but hadn't been intimate with God all week long! Stop trying to treat God like a sugar daddy and start romancing Him with worship and praise: 'I'm yours Lord...everything I've got...everything I'm not!'

The God we serve, which is the God of love, demands and requires of us foreplay before He gives us what we need. In the book of Ruth, the mother-in-law tells Ruth, 'You have to wash.' John 15:3 reminds us, Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. When you sit in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you are taking a shower. When you hear the unadulterated Word of God, then the dirt and grime that you've accumulated all week long begins to wash off of you.

Ask God to 'create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit.' Stand in the word. Then wait upon the Lord to renew your strength. Pass this on to those who have found or are seeking Mr. Right. This message is not directed at the receiver, it is directed to women I know that touch other young women that can benefit from this information. We are to be Naomi's of the world today. Our young women need to be informed of how to catch and keep a man that will respect .

" If he can't meet you where you are....leave him where he's at "

'Every Saint Has a Past, Every Sinner Has A Future'

BE REAL! HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY

Friday, September 19, 2008

My Ex Got Married

So, no matter how I try not to think about it or harbor ill feelings, i continue to find it impossible not to have so many questions. Well the fact is, i wouldnt have so many questions had he not ignored my email when all i simply did was wish him many blessings for a happy marriage. What in the world is so wrong with that? To catch you up, here's the story:
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So my ex got marrried. We dated from Feb 08 - May 08. Not long at all, which truthfully is the case for most of my relationships. He got married September 08 I guess. Not really sure, but that's when I found out. Now prior to September we were still on speaking terms, verbally, text, and email. Nothing big not even regularly. He said it out of his own mouth that we were cool, friends. There was no need for us not to speak. Cool. I definitely had no problem with that as I am "cool" with all of my ex-victims :-) except one and that's because he put his hands on me. Anyway, being that we are cool, and it is so fresh, why wouldnt he tell me that he was getting married or had gotten engaged or whatever. I've had "friends" well a "friend" since our break up and that's nothing to tell, but something as major as marriage only 4 months after a break up is what I would call serious.
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Okay so say he didnt tell me about the engagment or marriage. No big deal. It is what it is. My problem at this moment is why would he Not respond with at least a Thank You when I wish him a congratulations. I got nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing.
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What am I missing here? Did i do something wrong? Am I out of line for expecting a little courtesy? Well maybe so because the fellow has no idea what respect means. Which might I add was a major cause for our break up. At least from my perspective, among other things.
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So, I had a long drawn out 2-pager that I wrote yesterday and was going to post, but I'm not at that mindset now. This is where I am. The 2-pager was a timeline of events but what i've said here is the jist of what I wanted to say. Yesterday my initial feelings were shock, confusion, justification (during the latter part of the relationship I suspected he was cheating or had another life he was hiding), hurt, anxious, and cautious. I had and still have no idea how I am suppose to feel.
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What I would like to happen, I would like a Thank You first of all. Then I would like an explaination of why I was kept in the dark when it was going to come to light anyway. I'm just floored basically. I have no idea what to think or how to feel. Guess I'll chalk it up with every other mystery I've encountered over the years. For instance, why do guys want girls to be stupid and take whatever they dish out yet and have the audicity to be treated better than they treat you? lol
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That my friends will always be a mystery.
I'm glad I got this off my chest. It was giving me acid reflux and a headache.