Party of One

I’m addicted to the internet. I’m addicted to facebook, twitter, and just browsing the internet drowning my nothings into cyberspace. I’m only typing this as a way to refrain from surfing the net while on the clock. I’m taking a vow to stay away from my phone a full 7.5 hours until quitting time today.  I will not log onto facebook a gazillion times just to see who’s doing what or hoping someone interesting tagged me or mentioned me in a post or said something on my status update.  I’m not really even updating any more. I’m only posting or reposting photos, news stories, or information about what’s going on in the world that interest me. I also must post my run activities, if only to keep myself motivated. 

So the dilemma today is of course my boyfriend.  This is by far the most trying and taxing relationship I have ever been in and the longest.  I am so overdue for an overhaul. Here’s the deal, I tried holding off on all emotional sensitivity including comments, feelings, reactions, hopes, dreams, wishes, and desires.  That has indeed helped the relationship. Once you take your feelings off your sleeves and away from your heart you can deal with just about anybody.  You have to have an attitude of complacency to deal with the type of guy I have, a weed head who wants nothing more than a few bucks to buy weed, beer, spot his kids a couple of dollars and call it a day.

I’m so not feeling this new way of disconnection.  It is less stressful.  My feelings are less hurt. I’m less disappointed. And the home is a happier place. I feel more drawn to the relationship if I keep my emotions out of it.  However because I want more substance than a few smacks on the butt and a couple of good deeds here and there I’m not entirely happy. I’m looking at enjoying a life of misery, disappointment, dissatisfaction, and in essence loneliness. Loneliness while in the midst of a relationship. Hump! That’s an oxymoron. I surely didn’t see myself in this situation a year ago.  All I wanted was someone to help pay the rent. Should have been patient and followed the rules. Waited on God, locked myself in the house only to resurface for church and work. That would have saved me a couple of bucks. I could have saved on gas, food, going out, etc.  Cut out the gym, trainer, running, book club, hair appointments, community service, etc and I would have been fine. It’s not like I have hang out buddies any way.

Instead I disobeyed and invited dead weight into my life. Now I’m not only struggling to pay my way but I’m dragging discontent and stagnation around with me.